I want...

Have you ever felt like you just dont have a life. You get up, get ready, go to school, come home, do homework, do chores, eat dinner, go to bed. Or on a workday you go to work in between all that. And maybe you have the occasional check of email and such. Thats all you do, every freakin day of your life!

Well thats all my life seems to be, and I hate it. I hate not doing anything. I hate not being spontaneous. I hate not going out and doing something besides the usual. I hate never hanging out w/ my friends outside of church and school! It so sickening how little I really do thats not under my "usual list of things to do."

I want change! I want to do something I dont usually do!

I want to go hang out with friends
I want to go see a movie
I want to sit on the roof top and stare at the stars
I want to go out to dinner
I want to talk on the phone w/ my best friend for hours on end
I want to shop
I want to buy a whole new wardrobe that isn't my usual style
I want to wear bright color sundresses
I want to wear bunches and bunches of high heels
I want to get a massage
I want to get my nails done
I want to take ballroom dancing
I want to host a masquerade
I want to go on a road trip and not know where I'm going
I want to walk up to so random person and just start talking
I want to share the gospel to thousands and thousands
I want to give a home to a homeless child
I want to go buy food for the homeless man on the corner that everyone ignores
I want to volunteer and do something for someone thats not my friends or family
I want to go buy lots and lots of CD's and listen to them all day long
I want to learn how to play the piano
I want to learn how to play the guitar
I want to write a song
I want to sing a solo
I want to go into an open pasture and gallop at full speed
I want to go to the mountains
I want to take lots and lots of pictures
I want to stop worrying about how much money I have and how much I have to save
I want to stop eating so much junk food
I want to stop eating so many sweets
I want to go jogging everyday
I want to lift weights
I want to do SOOOO much

But you know whats keeping me from doing that...and this is the most sickening part... nothing.

Nothing is keeping me from doing that. I'm the only one that is keeping me from doing all I want to do. I could do all this stuff, but I'm to freakin afraid. And if I'm not to afraid, I'm to lazy. And actually its not lazyness, it is that I dont have the will to try! It is never that I cant, it is always that I don't ever take the effort to do it. I can do every single thing I just listed above. I just haven't gotten the will power to do it. And that makes me physically sick. I'm not even exaggerating.

I want change in my life. But guess what, it will probably never happen. I have no one, absolutely no one to blame but myself.