12:30 and too much to think about

it is 12:30 in the morning. i'm up way to late. but i cant go to sleep. everthing is on my mind. but when i try to think i come up with nothing. i just watched the movie"Becoming Jane" and it was simply amazing. I love that time period. it is so real in so many ways.

u wanna know what would be cool. if i was simply invisible for a few days. i could go around and see ppl in a different way. see them how they are when the doors are closed and no ones looking. i've recently taken up the love of observing ppl. and its really quite fasintating. when u look into someone closely and really study them u always learn something new about them. u can learn and detect what they are feeling. you can tell what they are thinking about. its so neat, but maybe i'm just weird

i would also love to loose all my responsibilities and obligations and go and look up at the stars and lay by a lake, and take a walk in the woods, and have deep theological and philosophical discussions with some of my close friends.

reality stinks

I want...

Have you ever felt like you just dont have a life. You get up, get ready, go to school, come home, do homework, do chores, eat dinner, go to bed. Or on a workday you go to work in between all that. And maybe you have the occasional check of email and such. Thats all you do, every freakin day of your life!

Well thats all my life seems to be, and I hate it. I hate not doing anything. I hate not being spontaneous. I hate not going out and doing something besides the usual. I hate never hanging out w/ my friends outside of church and school! It so sickening how little I really do thats not under my "usual list of things to do."

I want change! I want to do something I dont usually do!

I want to go hang out with friends
I want to go see a movie
I want to sit on the roof top and stare at the stars
I want to go out to dinner
I want to talk on the phone w/ my best friend for hours on end
I want to shop
I want to buy a whole new wardrobe that isn't my usual style
I want to wear bright color sundresses
I want to wear bunches and bunches of high heels
I want to get a massage
I want to get my nails done
I want to take ballroom dancing
I want to host a masquerade
I want to go on a road trip and not know where I'm going
I want to walk up to so random person and just start talking
I want to share the gospel to thousands and thousands
I want to give a home to a homeless child
I want to go buy food for the homeless man on the corner that everyone ignores
I want to volunteer and do something for someone thats not my friends or family
I want to go buy lots and lots of CD's and listen to them all day long
I want to learn how to play the piano
I want to learn how to play the guitar
I want to write a song
I want to sing a solo
I want to go into an open pasture and gallop at full speed
I want to go to the mountains
I want to take lots and lots of pictures
I want to stop worrying about how much money I have and how much I have to save
I want to stop eating so much junk food
I want to stop eating so many sweets
I want to go jogging everyday
I want to lift weights
I want to do SOOOO much

But you know whats keeping me from doing that...and this is the most sickening part... nothing.

Nothing is keeping me from doing that. I'm the only one that is keeping me from doing all I want to do. I could do all this stuff, but I'm to freakin afraid. And if I'm not to afraid, I'm to lazy. And actually its not lazyness, it is that I dont have the will to try! It is never that I cant, it is always that I don't ever take the effort to do it. I can do every single thing I just listed above. I just haven't gotten the will power to do it. And that makes me physically sick. I'm not even exaggerating.

I want change in my life. But guess what, it will probably never happen. I have no one, absolutely no one to blame but myself.

Inspiring Civics Homework

So today my teacher gave us a seminar paper we were suppose to read called "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" by Martin Luther King Jr. I was anticipating it to be just another boring assignment but amazingly enough it inspired me. It has some really awesome points that we can all use to change this generations and future generations for the cause of Christ. So I felt led to post a few cool quotes from the letter, as well as summarizations of things he talked about.

"we are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality of, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects the other indirectly."

"We had no alternative except to prepare for direct action, whereby we would present our very bodies as a means of laying our case before the conscience of the local and national community" (Think of that one in our "challenge" of sharing the gospel. Some of these quotes take interpreting)

"There is a type of nonviolent tension which is necessary for growth"

"Our opposers are those dedicated to maintaining the status quo."

"Privileged groups seldom give up their privileges" (That should be us, we should not take no for an answer or go down quietly)

"Freedom is never voluntary given by the oppressor, it must be demanded by the oppressed" (Meaning we have to work for it)

He went into a very long example of different things that blacks suffered to show how that the only way you can understand why we do what we do is to experience or witness it.

"Sometimes a law is just on its face and unjust in its application" (We must make sure that what we say is really fair and done correctly in order to not become hypocritical and unjust)

"We who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive. We bring it out in the open, where it can be see and dealt with."

"Actually time itself is neutral; it can be used either destructively or constructively."

"If his repressed emotions are not released in nonviolent ways, they will seek expression through violence." (I see this as a reminder to share what we feel. I know I have a problem of trying to avoid it and hope it goes away... it doesn't, so talk about it and share it)

"So the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremist will we be?"

He made a statement in here(I wont go into it) but he then says "Of course, there are some exceptions." I think this is key so that we do not become hypocritical.

"All too many others have been more cautious than courageous and have remained silent." (If we remain silent, our revolution for Christ will never happen)

"How we have blemished and scarred that body( referring to the body of Christ) through social neglect and through fear of being nonconformists."

"In the time when the early Christians rejoiced at being deemed worthy to suffer for what they believed." (We need to get back to this mind set)

"We are called to obey rather than man"

"But they have acted in the faith that right defeated is stronger than evil triumphant."




Yeah so, thats about it. If you can, try taking some time to read this letter yourself.

Love

I was thinking recently about the word love. Love can be such a powerful thing, but now in our society it means absolutly nothing. It is such an over used word that it has lost all meaning. Think about how many times you use the word love....

"I love pizza," "I love the color green," "I love that shirt," "I love my phone," "I love chocolate,".... the list is endless. But we also use this word as a bribe. Think about the time when you were so busy the night before that you completely forgot to do your homework assignment. This next morning you rush into class and run up to your friend and say, "Let me copy your homework, I'll love you forever if you do!!" I know you've done it or something similiar, I've done it too.

But what will happen when you really mean it, when someone really needs to hear those words "I love you," It will turn into the boy who cried wolf. That person will have heard those words so many times, but they have been hallow and never said with meaning. 

Recently, I heard a Christian speaker say that the most important thing you can ever say, know, or believe is that Jesus loves you. This is so key in our society that is so desperetly searching for love. We need it and long for it, but we have never learned what true love is. That is why our society seeks sex, drugs, alchol, and material positions. They think it can fill the hole in their hearts. And now, when you tell that person that is lost and confussed and seeking love that Jesus loves them... they will smile and nod, and it will go in one ear and out the other.

We need to put the meaning back into love. We need to stop over using it and start putting it into action. "Actions speak louder than words"

times of temptation

So lately guys and relationships seem to be the popular topic. I usually have no problems with this, I still don't have a problem with this. It's just been more heavy on my mind.

God has been speaking to me a lot about this topic as well. Actually He's been more yelling at me to make sure I hear Him. And I have. He has been telling me that he does indeed have my best interest at heart when it comes to guys. He will not leave me alone for the rest of my life. The only thing is that I must wait. I must put my full trust in Him. If I do that, He will bring me the ultimate man. The one that is absolutely perfect for me. And I have told God I'm willing to wait.

But now that I have agreed to wait, God is putting me to the test. Before, guy conversation has been light and I haven't even thought twice about it. However, now I feel like that it is there every time I turn around. And it just makes me want to scream. Everyone is hooking up with somebody. And it just makes me think "what is wrong with me? God am i cursed? am I forever meant to be the third wheel and out of the circle?" I know none of that is true, but is so hard to keep from thinking.

But in these times of temptation, God keeps bringing me back to His word that reminds me that there will be these times of temptation, but He will never tempt me more than I can bear, and He will never leave me without an escape.

I just needed to get this off my chest