Trust

God has really been convicting me on this one issue lately in my life. I think I've always had a problem with it. As I look back on my life I realized that I have not kept a single one of my friends my whole entire life. Things always happen... they leave me, they betray me, we grow distant... it doesn't matter what causes it, we just never last.

This past year or two God has placed amazing friends in my life, and I love them so much. I want to trust them, I want to know that I can share anything with them, that I can turn to them when I hurt the most... but my past keeps me from it. I found one of the greatest people in my life last year, she was my best friend and I knew without a doubt that whatever was happening to me, I could share it with her and she could give me amazing advice that I knew was from God... now shes gone...I haven't talked to her since August and haven't hung out with her for even longer! How does this keep happening to me! What do I do so wrong that drives people away from me?!

Now I have a new group of friends, all wonderful people that I so long to trust and let close... but I hesitate to do so, because this time when they leave I don't wanna suffer like I did the last time. I don't wanna shed the tears and feel the heartache that I have experienced so many times before.

I wish I could just say that I hate trust and be done with it.... but I don't, I still long for a best friend that when I'm 52 I still keep in touch with, and I can talk to them on the phone and reminisce about that time when we were in high school and we did some stupid things.

One day maybe....
One day...

Wow, so much has happened in just a month or so. Though I don't enjoy school itself, I'm enjoying the friends more than I ever have in all my life. Its a whole new experience for me being so close to people. Getting close to someone has never been one of my strong points. I'm always uneasy to share my deepest thoughts, in fear that those friends will disappear like so many of my previous friends have. But now my eyes have been opened to the difference...

Their eyes are watching God. They are Christ centered friends that can help me stay close to God. They allow me to talk about Christ and what He's doing in my life without me being afraid that they think I'm some crazy chick that loves God too much(like thats possible). They give me something to look forward to every weekend, the memories that I have gained are numerous, and now I find myself smiling more and being cheery and bright, and the best of all...not afraid to speak up and stand up. Knowing I have people to back me up if I get myself in a corner.

So I just want to thank all my friends! and thank God for bringing them to me! I love you guys with all my heart and I would do anything for ya'll!

Oh the Memories

So this past 2 weeks were absolutely amazing. The first week was camp, and that was filled with so many unexpected blessings(then agian, when are blessings ever expected?) I made amazing friends and other friends became best friends. That week I will never forget. And this week...well it wasn't as great as the previous one, but you know what kept me going...

God and memories

As some of you know, I work at a barn during the week and live with 6 other people in a double wide. So coming back to that was a major step down from camp. But during the week, there would be little things that would remind me of the time at the beach.

The acoustic guitar circle singing Relient K and Switchfoot

Jack Johnson on the beach

crazy Smash Mouth dance moves

making a fool of myself trying to skim board

All of that was amazing, but God moved, actually I moved closer to God. I started taking steps toward "Bethlehem" and away from "Mohab". I started a real quiet time. I gave ALL of myself to God instead of part. And you know something I just realized, all of this happened when I didn't expect anything. I didn't want to go to camp. I was just going because my family had already payed. And because i wasn't expecting some specific miracle to happen in my life, God was able to move me.

"When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God, somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these
Things I ask myself, I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into


I'm getting into you
Because you got to me, in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love you with my life

When he looked at me and said
I kind of view you as a son
And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question
Do you know what you are getting yourself into"
-Getting Into You Relient K

Another thing that I found rather nifty that week at the beach was on Thursday, we were all laying on our towels expect a few, they were skim boarding. I had my head cocked their way to see what fools they would make of themselves. As I was watching them, to the right and up the beach some, was family feeding bread to several seagulls(like 10 or so). The thing was it was really, really windy, so the birds were having a tough time getting to the bread. They would flap their wings but stay in the same place. And when they tried to stop flapping, they would be blown back several yards. But get this, they kept flapping until they would reach the bread.

All this got me thinking, if a bird is willing to fight so hard for a single piece of bread, shouldn't we fight just as hard, or harder, to reach the food of life. Its kinda like Pastor Matt's metaphor/simile thing about the dead fish down stream. We are the birds, the bread is God's food of life, and the wind is the ways of this world. It would be so easy to just stop flapping and coast along with the breeze until we are miles away from our bread and so lost and confused that it is easier to stay put. But if we just keep going, we can reach the bread. So I challange you all to keep flapping, and don't give up.

Well...

I haven't posted anything lately on here because I haven't had anything to say. And now I do...
Now I have a lot to say.

You want the truth... Youth group sucks. It sucks major. I don't care if you agree with me or not. To me, it sucks. Due to some happenings, I have not gone to youth group for 3 weeks, and from what I have heard from some people, it is a good thing.

We use to have the a group of strong Christians, that shared a tight bond. We use to hang out together, all of us, and make great memories. We use to have a strong support group of multiple friends that could get us through the hard times. Now... now we have gossip, and talking about others behind backs, we no longer hang out, and our support "group" has dwindled in strength. You can deny it all you want, but from the outside looking in, it is all so brutely true.

We are all still strong Christians, I do not doubt that at all. But what has happened is that the Devil is destroying a wonderful thing, and at the moment, he is winning. He has put this lie in our heads that why we don't hang out that much anymore is that "We are reaching out to the new people to help the church." I do not want us to stop reaching out. Reaching out is great. But this should not be our exuse for not hanging out. We still need our other friends to pull us through the hard times. New Christians do not have the same wisdom and understanding that "veteran" Christians do. We still need our close friendships!!! But we can't have a close friendship with anyone if there is gossip and trash talk going around.

I have cried many tears and prayed many prayers over all of us. But now I leave it in all of your hands(and God's). PLEASE!!! I beg you, let us get back to how we use to be, so we can start to grow again and be life giving. Don't let the Devil win.



I do understand that with me being gone for awhile, some of this could have changed. But from my understanding, it hasn't

12:30 and too much to think about

it is 12:30 in the morning. i'm up way to late. but i cant go to sleep. everthing is on my mind. but when i try to think i come up with nothing. i just watched the movie"Becoming Jane" and it was simply amazing. I love that time period. it is so real in so many ways.

u wanna know what would be cool. if i was simply invisible for a few days. i could go around and see ppl in a different way. see them how they are when the doors are closed and no ones looking. i've recently taken up the love of observing ppl. and its really quite fasintating. when u look into someone closely and really study them u always learn something new about them. u can learn and detect what they are feeling. you can tell what they are thinking about. its so neat, but maybe i'm just weird

i would also love to loose all my responsibilities and obligations and go and look up at the stars and lay by a lake, and take a walk in the woods, and have deep theological and philosophical discussions with some of my close friends.

reality stinks

I want...

Have you ever felt like you just dont have a life. You get up, get ready, go to school, come home, do homework, do chores, eat dinner, go to bed. Or on a workday you go to work in between all that. And maybe you have the occasional check of email and such. Thats all you do, every freakin day of your life!

Well thats all my life seems to be, and I hate it. I hate not doing anything. I hate not being spontaneous. I hate not going out and doing something besides the usual. I hate never hanging out w/ my friends outside of church and school! It so sickening how little I really do thats not under my "usual list of things to do."

I want change! I want to do something I dont usually do!

I want to go hang out with friends
I want to go see a movie
I want to sit on the roof top and stare at the stars
I want to go out to dinner
I want to talk on the phone w/ my best friend for hours on end
I want to shop
I want to buy a whole new wardrobe that isn't my usual style
I want to wear bright color sundresses
I want to wear bunches and bunches of high heels
I want to get a massage
I want to get my nails done
I want to take ballroom dancing
I want to host a masquerade
I want to go on a road trip and not know where I'm going
I want to walk up to so random person and just start talking
I want to share the gospel to thousands and thousands
I want to give a home to a homeless child
I want to go buy food for the homeless man on the corner that everyone ignores
I want to volunteer and do something for someone thats not my friends or family
I want to go buy lots and lots of CD's and listen to them all day long
I want to learn how to play the piano
I want to learn how to play the guitar
I want to write a song
I want to sing a solo
I want to go into an open pasture and gallop at full speed
I want to go to the mountains
I want to take lots and lots of pictures
I want to stop worrying about how much money I have and how much I have to save
I want to stop eating so much junk food
I want to stop eating so many sweets
I want to go jogging everyday
I want to lift weights
I want to do SOOOO much

But you know whats keeping me from doing that...and this is the most sickening part... nothing.

Nothing is keeping me from doing that. I'm the only one that is keeping me from doing all I want to do. I could do all this stuff, but I'm to freakin afraid. And if I'm not to afraid, I'm to lazy. And actually its not lazyness, it is that I dont have the will to try! It is never that I cant, it is always that I don't ever take the effort to do it. I can do every single thing I just listed above. I just haven't gotten the will power to do it. And that makes me physically sick. I'm not even exaggerating.

I want change in my life. But guess what, it will probably never happen. I have no one, absolutely no one to blame but myself.

Inspiring Civics Homework

So today my teacher gave us a seminar paper we were suppose to read called "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" by Martin Luther King Jr. I was anticipating it to be just another boring assignment but amazingly enough it inspired me. It has some really awesome points that we can all use to change this generations and future generations for the cause of Christ. So I felt led to post a few cool quotes from the letter, as well as summarizations of things he talked about.

"we are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality of, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects the other indirectly."

"We had no alternative except to prepare for direct action, whereby we would present our very bodies as a means of laying our case before the conscience of the local and national community" (Think of that one in our "challenge" of sharing the gospel. Some of these quotes take interpreting)

"There is a type of nonviolent tension which is necessary for growth"

"Our opposers are those dedicated to maintaining the status quo."

"Privileged groups seldom give up their privileges" (That should be us, we should not take no for an answer or go down quietly)

"Freedom is never voluntary given by the oppressor, it must be demanded by the oppressed" (Meaning we have to work for it)

He went into a very long example of different things that blacks suffered to show how that the only way you can understand why we do what we do is to experience or witness it.

"Sometimes a law is just on its face and unjust in its application" (We must make sure that what we say is really fair and done correctly in order to not become hypocritical and unjust)

"We who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive. We bring it out in the open, where it can be see and dealt with."

"Actually time itself is neutral; it can be used either destructively or constructively."

"If his repressed emotions are not released in nonviolent ways, they will seek expression through violence." (I see this as a reminder to share what we feel. I know I have a problem of trying to avoid it and hope it goes away... it doesn't, so talk about it and share it)

"So the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremist will we be?"

He made a statement in here(I wont go into it) but he then says "Of course, there are some exceptions." I think this is key so that we do not become hypocritical.

"All too many others have been more cautious than courageous and have remained silent." (If we remain silent, our revolution for Christ will never happen)

"How we have blemished and scarred that body( referring to the body of Christ) through social neglect and through fear of being nonconformists."

"In the time when the early Christians rejoiced at being deemed worthy to suffer for what they believed." (We need to get back to this mind set)

"We are called to obey rather than man"

"But they have acted in the faith that right defeated is stronger than evil triumphant."




Yeah so, thats about it. If you can, try taking some time to read this letter yourself.